If You Feel Compelled Towards Me, That's Just Gravity

VERSUS

The current thinking likewise requires women to divest themselves of all their antiquated notions, and pants, and thereby “free” themselves to couple according to “their own wishes.” By this reckoning, it is the duty of every enlightened female to put across in order to show how enlightened she is. She won’t submit or succumb, perhaps she will even aggressively pursue. And because banging a lot of guys is a demonstration of enlightenment, the traditional blandishments are no longer required in order to get girls into bed. Also de rigueur for girls is a lot of noise about the condition of their own libido, which evidently makes them not unladylike or blabby, but “equal.” Any woman with the slightest bit of restraint is going to be yelled at for being a dowdy, outmoded essentialist. An enemy of the state, practically. And meanwhile, no romance for anybody. (via The Awl)

NUMBER 3: EVERYONE GETS LAID

It was bound to happen, no? When you spend over a week trying to convince a group of people why they should attend the event you’re throwing, eventually you’re going to end up aiming for the groin. I don’t think that’s a problem though. Even paragons of lameness Blink-182 recognized that one of the primal motivators that sends young people to see live music is the chance that they can meet that special someone, even if she’s only around for a couple days or he ends up being a total psychopath.

It won't be like this. I promise.

When I say, “Everyone gets laid” what I’m really saying is that you have the chance to do so. But the line wouldn’t have been as funny if Al Czervik had included the possibility of failure.



Don’t worry about the failure. I know, some of us you are too awkward, too unfashionable, too skittish to pick a guy or girl up at a party. Meeting people and convincing them that you’re a person worth hanging out with is hard enough. Meeting a person and convincing her that letting you stick your tongue down her throat is a good idea can be even harder. Especially when you’re prone to blurting out things like “Spines can be sexy!”

It won't be like this either. Way too cute.

Of course, there’s going to be alcohol. Alcohol always helps. There will also be music. Glorious, sometimes sensual music. You’ll be drunk and you’ll be dancing when you see someone that’s on the same wavelength as you. Talk to him! Ask that girl if you can buy her an exceptionally cheap beer, maybe she’s out of money! It’s a big roof, wander until you fall in with a group of strangers and start talking with them. At some point it’s just going to be you and one other girl. Then a break in the conversation, a shy smile or a maybe a flash of recognition at what you both want. Go with it.

Maybe like this. You could do worse.

I also can’t, in good conscience, make the promise that everyone gets off, because like the quote above argues, the sexual revolution has probably been way better for dudes than for chicks. Maybe we can start this weekend on making it more equal. We must be more excellent to each other. I can’t speak for ladies because I am not one, but guys, maybe we can not be complete assholes? Don't do something dumb like letting her hear you call her a slut the next day when you talk to your boys. In fact, it's 2010, guys: stop calling girls sluts. For starters, your peers judge you on how often you can GET IT WET with as many partners as possible, so why should women have to bear the brunt of your scorn just because they want to fuck guys other than you? Also, in attempt to make things equal, some genius came up with the term “manwhore”, which, in the spirit of every 21st century portmanteau, is fucking retarded and meaningless. Do you understand your regressive views on open and equal sexuality are killing the English language? Have some fucking respect, if not for your partner then for us poor slobs who like decent goddamn prose.

This dude knows what I'm talking about.

Still, the promise is there. If the promise of ecstasy is there, there’s also the promise of heartbreak, believe me I understand that.

I am CONSTANTLY on this tip.

There’s also the promise though, of lying in bed next to each other, where you feel like you can live for days. That’s a Rescue Bird line and if they play “Melt” I swear I’ll start weeping like a child.

If you see me wandering around and singing this song to myself, don't worry, I'm just drunk/on drugs.